No one was meant to be ALONE.

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Love, what is it really? I don’t know. Soap operas present it as a dream then an obsession and then a madness.  Each time I watch the portrayal of love in these soaps, I am infuriated. I will tell you why. Many scenarios in the plot of the story have two parties in love with each other but cannot be together, the party that is madly in love with another that could care less, the party that settles such that they do not hurt the other party and then there is my personal worst category: the parties that are in love with each other but consistently reject each other and then groan in pain when they are in private over not being with the one they love. But what is love?

With every movie that crossed my path, I swore never to be like the ones that are in love but wont allow themselves to be in love. Truly this just sounds so silly to me. I mean no one is in your way so why not take the bull by the horns. You are basically refusing to be happy. It simply never made any sense to me at least for a really long time.

A wise man once told me to give it time. In time I would figure out what this love thing is. I thought how hard it must be to have a love so unbiased. Was it even possible. Think with me for a moment: you and I have an image of what we think love looks like, right? And yes I am deliberately referring to it as plainly as LOVE and not TRUE LOVE as one may argue, why? Because I believe love is love and that there is no such thing as true love. You either love, hate, tolerate or just don’t give a damn.

It  turns out he was right. We should learn from others mistakes but most often we learn best from our own or from the people close to us. The person is at home with you. I have had my fair share of trying to suppress feelings for fear of the response of my love and I have become good at it. In fact now I am not even sure about my feelings anymore. Each time I am around love, I feel I am missing something. No one was meant to be alone. God created you and I to have each other. We should love and accept to be loved.

No one should walk up to you and say oh its easy because it is not. Letting go your guard and trusting someone else is like trusting your life into your hands. It is hard for me because I am used to doing stuff for myself and not expecting help from someone else. Yes, you may ask, “But what does that have to do with love?” One may think they can compartmentalize their person. Separate who you are at work from who you are at home, at the beach, with friends and all that crap. Here is the thing you and I know that, that is a lonely place. Having the freedom to be who you are at all times is a load off anyone’s back. So yes, desiring to do stuff on my own does affect how I relate with others and consequently my love life.

I am still on my journey of figuring things out and how this love thing works. But here is what I have so far appreciated. For one to love, one must trust and with trust comes a free spirit and an openness that will set you free. My friend, go out and love like you are not afraid to be hurt, sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching and you might just find the joy in you that will give you the strength to risk taking the next step. Just saying!

 

Will you continue to be a fool?

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He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. Wise saying I tell you. I fell in love with it from the first time I heard it. For many months and a few years I threw it around whenever I had an open open window which was plenty you know because I love to talk so it wasn’t that heard. It spoke to many of the people I said it to but for me it was only a couple of weeks ago that I learnt what it really meant. What is it I hold onto so dear but sometimes perhaps I hold so tight that I end up chocking it? Hold that thought.

You must have heard the song Clear the Stay by Jimmy Needham, wow wow wow!!  I love the message in fact I am in love with it.

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze
If that’s the measure you must take to crush the idols
Jerk the pews and all the decorations, too
Until the congregation’s few, then have revival
Tell your friends that this is where the party ends
Until you’re broken for your sins, you can’t be social
Then seek the Lord and wait for what he has in store
And know that great is your reward so just be hopeful

‘Cause you can sing all you want to
Yes, you can sing all you want to
You can sing all you want to
And still get it wrong; worship is more than a songTake a break from all the plans that you have made
And sit at home alone and wait for god to whisper
Beg him please to open up his mouth and speak
And pray for real upon your knees until they blister
Shine the light on every corner of your life
Until the pride and lust and lies are in the open
Then read the word and put to test the things you’ve heard
Until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken

‘Cause you can sing all you want to
Yes, you can sing all you want to
You can sing all you want to
And still get it wrong; worship is more than a song

We must not worship something that’s not even worth it
Clear the stage, make some space for the one who deserves it

Anything I put before my God is an idol
Anything I want with all my heart is an idol
Anything I can’t stop thinking of is an idol
Anything that I give all my love is an idol

‘Cause I can sing all I want to
Yes, I can sing all I want to

And we can sing all we want to
And we can sing all we want to
We can sing all we want to
And still get it wrong
Worship is more than a song

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze
If that’s the measure you must take to crush the idols.

Back to letting go of what I cannot hold onto to get that which I cannot live without. A few weeks back I got tired of the cycle of life and decided to find something more exciting to do. My excuse is that I want to be a better person, but really I am a spontaneous maniac so I gots to find something that boils my blood and gives me  a rush. Lets just say that life as we know it had started to bore me.
Here’s my plan, to clear up the clutter and the excuses I give for being busy such that I can live. I love music oh how I love music but music without soul is a waist. I think I love music because of what it stands for. How it finds the balance between emotion, expression, love, joy, misery, pain all of that to see me through all times in my life. It’s amazing right? So I decided to use my two favorite things to change my life: Music and Photography. By now you should be able to see just how cluttered my mind is. Anyhow, I gave my plan a go and it worked for a while until I GOT BORED AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. Then I realized there was something greater, far greater than me and you.
I was raised christian so this should not be news to me but apparently it was. It really was. I learnt something new over the weekend. The bible records a story concerning two ladies. Mary and her cousin Martha who had the privilege of hosting our Lord Jesus Christ during one of His walk throughs. Both ladies welcomed him but Mary sat at his feet eager to listen to what he had to say while Martha was very occupied rightfully so preparing him something to eat. The bible says she was distraught by Mary’s refusal to help her that she asked Jesus to have Mary help her in the kitchen. I thought that was fair, right? I mean if we had a visitor, I would want my cousin to help me out as opposed to merely sitting at Jesus’s feet. If I did the same we would have nothing to eat right? Anyways, so Jesus tells Martha that she is engrossed in many things all of which are not as important as what Mary chose to do. WHATTTTT! Like are you kidding me? The thing is Jesus was passing through as you would drop by a sick friend’s house on your way to the office. You would not expect them to cock for you, would you? Rather you would be pleased to know if there is an improvement in the person’s health.
Mary allowed Jesus to serve her through his ministry while Martha chose to serve Jesus. Was this wrong? No, Jesus only said Mary had chosen the greater thing.
After attending a bible study on the same passage, I learnt that you and I have nothing to offer God in fact he owes me nothing. Like Mary, I should yearn to sit at the Lord’s feet and let Him fill me that I may be able to over flow with Him and therefore serve others in service to God. Discovering this was a relief! You have no idea how many times I have beaten myself up trying to do the right things to please God but ended up doing exactly the opposite. I am free indeed as of today. I just thought it might be useful to think out loud!!!

The foggy future

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At this point in life I am not quite sure where my life is going. In fact I am afraid it may leave me stunted.  It’s a terrifying thought. I just graduated top of mu class  with excellent grades and yet the future seems scary. Well, I pray it gets better. Being busy each day helps me feel complete and the idea of not having what to do in the long run scares me so much. I don’t want to seat home, I want to wake up early each morning and go to something for people, something for myself.

It’s been a long journey of contemplation. The fear comes at every level of growth. What if…..becomes your daily bread.

At this point there’s no one to blame. And that becomes a complication because it’s all falls on you. I promised myself that I won’t allow myself be depressed and yet I fear I may become depressed. Why? Because the future looks foggy. One moment I think I have it and another it feels like it is slipping away.

I want to be useful. I want to be helpful and want to be needed. If I stay home i will be limited. I dont want to stay home.

Be hopeful.  Life is what you make,  it so they say. Is it really though? Is it not what God makes it …what he desires it to be?

I should wait on him but the fear of uncertainty ovetwhelmes me.

Enough with this madness!

Things were never working against you, you were the one working against you. Have you realized that most of the ideas you get are killed in your mind before they even make it to consider-ability stage. We tend to talk ourselves out of it before being sure we don’t need it. How then will we achieve progress?

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I choose to celebrate the good times and make the best of all opportunities.

I am fed up and you should be too.

Take charge of you. Change what you do not like. Stop setting up yourself for unhappiness. Remember to live like a rich man because only then will you learn to work like a rich man to maintain your status.
I have realized that I have been through a lot in my life most of which I have not actually experienced. Enough is enough!

Enough with this madness. You and you alone are your worst enemy. Get out of your way and let God. God has given you everything that is pertaining to life:use it. No one will do it for you. Please take charge.  You are the king of your life. The Lord have you that authority when he have you the gift of choice. You are who you are today because you chose. Do your best and let God worry about the rest.

i was silent but i was not blind…….

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